*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
When ur friends with white people
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Tell me you get it…🤣
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.