me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.