Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
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Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.