“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
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Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail