5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
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new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???