I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
nature’s most graceful animal
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
(2022)
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
An odd boast
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
#dnd #ttrpg
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.