“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
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can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
This kid is a star!
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?