I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?