Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
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No one :
Me when I swimming :
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Breaking news:
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.