I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
You Might Also Like
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Perfect.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.