Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.