This is why I hate group projects
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet