*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
You Might Also Like
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”