[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY