My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault