Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Awwwww shit.