-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Lmbo
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”