I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬