Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
You Might Also Like
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy