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I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.