Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
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“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!