Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
awkward
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district