[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Tuesday
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do