At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
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I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!