her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
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I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Never be a pizza!
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
My whole life was a lie.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat