Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
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#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.