I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.