Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
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That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
⛄️
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.