[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
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alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
screw you
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.