hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…