We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
You Might Also Like
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Stick it to the man
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.