My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
I was bored.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.