Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
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Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.