I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.