Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.