Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
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My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.