Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room