The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
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We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the