Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light