*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Does this dress make me look cat?
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure