Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.