America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
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POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Lmao the reply
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.