20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
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*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings