i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
You have been warned.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.