Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?