You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I love you to the refrigerator and back
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Not recommended for beginners.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.