[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
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ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Cool shirt 🙂
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys