shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
best review i’ve ever seen
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…