There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
very niche meme I made
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?