The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
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Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
the simulation is moving too fast
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Why I divorced her.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad